AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
