tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
God, I missed his penis.
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