I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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