Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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