Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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