Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
