oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
