I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
