I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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