Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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