I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm passing your future prison.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
