Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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