there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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