I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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