Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
