I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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