i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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