He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
