well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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