im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I could fuck to npr.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am naked and annoyed.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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