So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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