My liver just broke up with me...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
