Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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