That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We're using joints as your birthday candles
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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