he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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