your parents love me but you hate me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
