Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
