It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
