Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
