Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
