My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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