the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
