Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
