This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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