the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
