I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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