Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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