I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
