Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
