I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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