So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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