I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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