we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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