the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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