fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
