One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My penis needs a shock collar
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
