batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
