Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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