Moan for me like Helen Keller
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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