The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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